What You Can Do

Understand...
Trauma is like no other experience. It brings out reactions you may have never seen before, nor your child has ever experienced. Your child may not have control over his behavior because the terror he experienced has left him feeling out of control. It may be that terror which is driving his behaviors. As long as a child’s behavior is not hurting others or himself, it is okay. If your child’s behavior is upsetting to you, it is best to talk with a trauma specialist before reacting because these behaviors need special intervention.

Be Patient...
Trauma destroys a child’s sense of safety and security. He will need time to feel safe again and to feel you can protect him. As a parent of a traumatized child, it will be very difficult to see your child return to behaviors he engaged in years earlier, to see him act entirely different than the child you knew him to be before the trauma. He needs you to be patient. Whatever behaviors he turns to after the trauma, no matter how strange or frightening they are for you, it is your child’s attempt to feel powerful and safe again. Be patient. Do not push him to change or to stop until you have consulted a trauma specialist.

Be Nurturing...
Whatever the age, any trauma needs to be followed by a lot of nurturing. Let your child eat what he wants, follow you around or even withdraw for a while. Your child may want to be taken care of, to have fewer demands. Spend more time with your child the first several weeks.

Keep it Simple
A terrorized child, adolescent, or adult will find it difficult to concentrate and remember even the simplest of things. A terrorized individual will be forgetful. He can even forget what he was doing or talking about five minutes earlier. You need to simplify everything for several weeks. Do not expect more. Do not introduce new challenges. This is a time to protect your child from stress. It really needs to be an, “all the cookies and milk I want,” time for a traumatized child.

Normalize
Reinforce that you understand that his reactions are not unusual following his experience. Learn what trauma reactions can be expected and let your child know what he may yet experience. Be more nurturing and comforting. Respond to your child’s basic needs. Provide him with rest, comfort, food, and opportunities to play. Talk openly with your child about what happened. Reinforce with your child that you will protect him.

Help your child to share his feelings in your supportive presence, and acknowledge his feelings. Do not tell your child how he should or should not feel. Healing takes time - do not hurry your child’s reactions along with comments such as, “It’s time to get over it.”

Understand that physical reactions such as headaches, fatigue, etc. can be normal responses to fear and a child’s attempts to avoid thoughts of the crisis. Provide labels, especially for a younger child, for the feelings he is experiencing, such as sad, afraid, angry, etc.

Encourage your child to let you know when he is thinking about the crisis or when new reactions occur. Give your child special support by keeping things fairly structured.

Adjust for your child’s fears, especially at bedtime. Help to re-establish a sense of safety for your child. Let your child know where you are going and when you will be back. If you are gone for several hours, call and let him know that you are all right.

Reassure your child that his feelings may not be the same as those of siblings or friends, and that is normal. Be patient with difficulties in concentration, completing school work, etc. It is not unusual for a child’s school performance to decline temporarily.

Recognize that regressive behavior such as nail biting and thumb sucking, as well as acting-out behaviors are normal reactions and should be discussed rather than punished.

Limit tasks and keep them simple. If the crisis involves a death, help your child to recall positive memories of the victim. Share your own similar experiences, giving the message that you survived and that he can too.

Help your child to understand that angry, defiant, aggressive behaviors, staying away from home, or taking unnecessary risks are ways to avoid feeling the pain, hurt, and fear that he is experiencing.

If shame is tied to a physical reaction that your child experienced during the crisis (such as wetting his pants, vomiting, crying, etc.) assure your child that unlike television portrayals, many people faced with a crisis will lose control over their bodies. If your child expresses that he is not afraid of anything anymore ('Nothing scares me.') be more protective of your youngster, as he many not act safely in a potentially dangerous situation.

Help your child to understand the relationship between his feelings and the crisis and encourage your youngster to find safe ways to express his feelings, i.e. drawing pictures, writing, talking, exercise, etc.

If changes in your child’s behavior or personality concern you, seek the support of a mental health professional or contact TLC for possible referral.

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Parents Trauma Resource Center
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