Infant and Toddler Grief

Maintain a Routine
Typically when a household experiences the permanent or temporary loss of a loved one, both the adults and children undergo several changes. However, each person processes and expresses their grief differently. While one person may want to verbalize their grief reactions, another may want to draw or write about their grief. In the case of infants and toddlers, many believe that they do not experience grief merely because they cannot intelligently draw, write, or verbalize their grief. This is far from the truth. Infants and toddlers grieve the loss of loved ones similar to verbal children and adults. They are able to “sense” the loss of someone’s voice, touch, and smile. However, their grief reactions may also be in response to what they sense from their caregivers. For example, children sense when a primary caregiver has a depressed mood or is not as playful, and as a result that child may become irritable. Therefore, the most important element when helping infants and toddlers, who are grieving or are residing with a parent or primary caregiver that is grieving, is maintaining a consistent routine.

Children who were once dependent on caregivers for keeping them safe may begin to feel disconnected and vulnerable. Therefore, we need to restore that sense of safety, one way is by maintaining a routine. This will restore the child’s ability to once again depend on you to meet their basic needs. After attempting a “new” routine, you may notice that they are somewhat scattered and are having difficulty adjusting. This is normal and typical behavior. Nevertheless, you should sustain a steady routine. For example, if their nap time is set for 12:30 p.m., you should keep that nap time the same everyday. By preserving that same time, regardless of their need for sleep, you are letting the child know that they can depend on you for their basic needs. Which is essential for restoring safety.

Decrease in Activity Level
Infants who were attempting to rollover, crawl, and walk prior to the loss or separation may stop any attempts for movement. Adults may describe the infant or toddler as “lethargic” or “limp.” This is a temporary state and after some time your little one will begin to attempt these movements again. However, it is important to offer infants/toddlers the opportunity for movement and play, even if day after day they choose not to participate. It is essential for you to continue to play and encourage, but not coerce, those attempts at movement several times a day if possible.

Decrease in Appetite
Due to change in routine and caregiver, young children often experience high anxiety. While they are becoming familiar with their new routine you may notice an increase in irritability and, most likely, a decrease in appetite. There may also be a weight loss. If the child’s decrease in eating and weight loss continues for several weeks, it is important to have a check-up with the child’s family doctor or pediatrician. However, typically the infant/toddler will adjust and begin eating the same amounts as before the loss or separation. It is also common for infants and toddlers to choose the same types of foods for every meal or have “comfort foods.” Yes, even infants and toddlers use food for comfort. However, be sure s/he is still receiving healthy amounts of vitamins and nutrients. There is nothing wrong with continuing a diet that the infant or toddler chooses, but never stop attempts at foods high in nutrients and supplements.

Increase in Irritability and/or Change in Personality
Caregivers often report that grieving infants and toddlers, typically experience irritability. Again, this is most likely due to a change in their daily routine. In general, when there is a change in any child’s routine, there will be some amount of stress, which will cause irritability and/or a change in personality. Parents often describe their child as, “unlike their usual playful self.” However, once the child becomes adjusted to his/her new schedule they typically return to the infant you knew prior to the trauma. Nevertheless, when a child is grieving a permanent loss or separation of a parent, it may take this little one several weeks or months to become adjusted. There may be some permanent personality changes, which is healthy and normal. Trauma changes how individuals see themselves, even infants and toddlers. The key is to support this child’s changes, permanent or not.

Sleep Disturbances
Once again a severe change in routine will also affect sleeping patterns. The infant must again learn to trust their caregiver. So, be sure to provide him/her the individual attention s/he needs. This may include sleeping in the room or being present while they fall asleep. The sleeplessness should deplete over time. We do NOT recommend that caregivers allow infants and toddlers to sleep in the adult bed with caregivers. There are several safety concerns and an increased risk for accidents coinciding with infants sleeping beside adults. Alternatively, the infant or toddler may sleep in a portable crib near the primary caregiver’s bed. As each night passes progressively move the crib further away from the caregiver’s bed and closer to the room where their bed will remain permanently. Always be sure the crib is in a safe area and well protected. While this appears as a “hassle” to many adults, it a much healthier way to help these little ones adjust and everyone is sleeping in their OWN beds, adults included.

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Parents Trauma Resource Center
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